It’s What You Have Already. Not What you Don’t

The unplanned vulnerability you decide to have one day seemed to be the best choice you could’ve made. Now, you’re not so sure. The day after, everything seems to imitate the fallout of a nuclear bomb that you set off by your own accord. Then suddenly, it feels like the worst decision you could have ever made. Why did you do that? Why did you tell them that? You should’ve just stayed in bed that day.  Thoughts that cut like knives spin and whirl in your head at a pace so fast that you just want to curl up in a ball and hope no one notices you anymore.  You feel like everyone you know, and everyone you care about, is looking at you like they don’t even know you. Like a stranger.  You did this to yourself. It’s your fault. It always has been. You deserve this.

            Then, breath fills your nose. Cold and crisp. You open your eyes and pull yourself out of your mental fetal position and begin to look around.  You’re still here, right?  You give yourself a pinch to make sure you aren’t dead like you thought you might have been.  Your spouse gives you a hug.  Your friend says hi to you.  You notice that the sun is up and shining brightly down onto your face, warming it softly.  Your life isn’t over, you realize. It never was. It’s just different.

            Sometimes, we make the choice to do or say something to someone, in front of an audience, or even just in front of yourself, that you have been frightened to do for some time.  Up to that point, the idea of saying or doing that thing had us wound up with so much worry, insecurity, shame and fear that we didn’t even notice that we were only living our life in a partially present state. We hadn’t even been able to see all the wonderful things and people that were already in our lives because we had been so caught up in the idea of hiding that part of ourselves from everyone else.  We had been so busy thinking about what we haven’t done or said, instead of focusing on how we could best live and appreciate our lives and serve others as best we can in that present moment. 

            So, take this to heart my dear reader. Trust me when I tell you this. I am sorry. I am sorry that I couldn’t tell you sooner how much you have missed simply by being afraid of the past, or maybe even part of your present.  You have so much to live, love and be thankful for. It may be something or someone that stands next to you or passes you by every single day of your life. And maybe you already knew about them, but did you really SEE them? Feel them? Acknowledge their positive effects that they have you on every day?

            I challenge you to do what I’ve done; and that is to take a moment and really think about what you DO have and can truly love and appreciate. Not what you think you DON’T. Because if you are constantly afraid of what lies in your past or what could change in your future and what you could stand to lose, you will inevitably let slip what you already have forgotten that you hold most dear.

            “” I heard this story about a fish. He swims up to an older fish and says, ‘I’m trying to find this thing they call the ocean.’

‘The ocean?’ the older fish says, ‘That’s what you’re in right now.’

‘This?’ says the young fish. ‘This is water. What I want is the ocean!’” (Dorethea Williams, Soul)